I remember when a friend told me--after exposing my then boyfriend (now ex) for starting to talk like a Jane Austen male lead because of a tiktok he saw about being "that novel boyfriend"--that he loved me with so much intention. She said it so as-a-matter-of-factly that I had to sit with the words for a while. I like to think she was right. He did not love me anymore, but he used to. So much. And I knew that that was a serious attempt at loving me better.

I do not love him anymore, but I used to. More than I've loved anyone else. And we have not loved each other for a while now. Funnily enough, we both realized it long before we offically broke up, but we both stayed for a few months more because we still wanted to take care of each other. Confusing times, man.

When we broke up, it was over a messenger call. We were supposed to meet up in the morning. He said he didn't love me anymore, but he cared for me still. Said he'd take a bullet for me. Or donate his blood. How weird is it that we're both A+, by the way? Probably not that weird, but I always thought it was fun. I told him he was being overly-dramatic. "You'd easily take a bullet for me, but you don't have the balls to let your parents know that you've been dating me for years already?" He got quiet.

Despite it all, he still made life beautiful for a while. He was the first to hold me without hurting me. He made me want to become a better person. He made me want to carry on. We always joked about how we were literally Raf and Tin from Alone/Together, because he went to UST and I went to UP. Except the distance between us was approximately 70 kilometres, unlike with Raf and Tin na isang jeep lang pagitan. But I didn't mind the distance. Nor the hot, unwalkable streets of Taft and Pasay where we'd frequent. Minahal ko 'yun, eh. Kaya tiniis ko.

But that's waaaaay in the past now. We've moved on. Eh, wala eh. What else can you do if you've already grown apart? We're still friends, though. Kind of. I get free check-ups from him, and I plan on blackmailing him into giving me free medical consulations in the future. 'Di 'yon makakapalag, marami akong bala hahaha.