I haven't been well.

I haven't seen anyone other than my family (and the strangers I encounter on my daily errand runs) in months. I'm glued to my bed so much that my body leaves an imprint on the sheets.

Maybe it's the universe's way of reminding me I'm still here?

Because, truth be told, I don't feel real most days. If I had to describe my current state, it's as if I've been separated from my earthly body and I'm stuck watching my life from the outside. Which, I admit, sounds kind of cheesy. But that's the closest I could get to explaining this... situation. It's as if I'm on autopilot and whenever I do regain consciousness, I end up getting sucked into an anxiety spiral.

I started re-watching Crazy Ex-Girlfriend recently. The first time I watched it was when I was at (what I thought was) the lowest point in my life. Well deep into 2019. Five or so years later, I'm right there again. And I feel freshly eighteen again. Same constant thoughts of ending it all. Same feelings of being stuck and feeling like I'm never getting out. Except much more worse. But I'd rather talk about Crazy Ex-Girlfriend than get into all that.

Really weird transition, but bear with me. I fucking love that show; one of the few musical TV comedies that's not absolute ass. It's honest and real and earnest. It gets into--and I mean really gets into--mental illness in a way that doesn't feel patronizing or overly sentimental. And it doesn't pretend that Rebecca Bunch isn't crazy as shit. The way she navigates the world and reacts to it feels so real despite the obvious and deliberate over-the-topness of her character. This article describes how well-written her character is to a T: "She feels so much more intensely, and reacts so much more disastrously, to what we struggle with everyday: fearing rejection, yearning for validation, and hoping despite all evidence to the contrary that happiness lies just around the corner."

And I know I'm not alone in how I feel. I know people share the same struggles as I do. I just find it nice to see myself in a character who's very mentally unwell and not feel even more depressed because they're portrayed as unsalvagable. If only I had Dr. Akopian in my life, huh?

But I'll get by. :)